haldana

I’ve moved to Happiest People in the World. Please join...

Sat, 28 May 2011 22:43:42 +0200

I’ve moved to Happiest People in the World. Please join me.

Do you think they’re lazy for naming their band after...

Wed, 20 Apr 2011 02:28:35 +0200

Do you think they’re lazy for naming their band after their city?
When you listen to the harmony on “Peace of Mind,” any lingering concerns about unoriginality go right out the window.

Mikey likes to argue with “liberal commies” in a...

Tue, 12 Apr 2011 15:17:00 +0200

Mikey likes to argue with “liberal commies” in a local rapper’s Facebook wall threads about whether or not Obama is a Kenyan Muslim. The rapper never weighs in.

Do you have a price to put on pretending to like something? You...

Sat, 19 Mar 2011 18:04:07 +0100

Do you have a price to put on pretending to like something?
You mean how much do I have to earn to not outright say it sucks? $75 is optimal, but I’ve been known to praise mediocrity for a quick $20. That was a lot of money when I was a kid. Still can’t quite shake that.

Apparently The Beta Band broke up the year you started listening...

Thu, 17 Mar 2011 00:54:02 +0100

Apparently The Beta Band broke up the year you started listening to them, and also mostly forgot about them.
Nothing personal. I just had to dance.
Understandable. You’re good at that.

I had no idea Tina Turner’s “What’s Love Got...

Thu, 10 Mar 2011 01:14:00 +0100

I had no idea Tina Turner’s “What’s Love Got To Do With It” was about loveless sex.
How did you figure it out?
Listened to a ten-minute Beatconductor remix of the song, during which I had plenty of time to think about monotony and unhappiness.

Did you ever have to hear the stories about her friend in...

Sat, 05 Mar 2011 00:05:32 +0100

Did you ever have to hear the stories about her friend in podiatry school? She was always bitching about how everyone wears flip-flops.
Is that feet or children?

She refers to her period as “going number three,” as...

Wed, 23 Feb 2011 00:37:37 +0100

She refers to her period as “going number three,” as if she’s actively in control. She also has a lot of SARK books about how to be creative, but she mostly watches TV all day with her dogs. It’s hard to be a dimwit, and it’s even harder when you’re an unwilling traveling spouse.

She uses phrases like “I am attractive enough” and...

Wed, 23 Feb 2011 00:33:19 +0100

She uses phrases like “I am attractive enough” and pursues men she refers to as “pussies.”

Though he arguably revived political conservatism in the United...

Fri, 21 Jan 2011 02:12:04 +0100

Though he arguably revived political conservatism in the United States, she knew him best for his collection of Hopi kachina dolls, all 437 of which are currently on display in a Phoenix area museum.

Plane spotters who monitored unusual movements of aircraft are...

Thu, 20 Jan 2011 15:18:14 +0100

Plane spotters who monitored unusual movements of aircraft are responsible for reports and later investigations into the CIA’s extraordinary rendition practices.

I’m having trouble deciding how to move. To another...

Thu, 20 Jan 2011 01:24:42 +0100

I’m having trouble deciding how to move.
To another city?
No, to the other room.

In the pre-digital world, it was harder to find out who was cool...

Tue, 11 Jan 2011 02:43:20 +0100

In the pre-digital world, it was harder to find out who was cool and where they were. Roommates were illegal 25 years ago. Dropping acid together and feeling good is not sufficient. Bad decisions come from fear.

She thought God was laughing at her in the form of a homeless...

Tue, 11 Jan 2011 02:40:09 +0100

She thought God was laughing at her in the form of a homeless man. He was wearing an impostor hat, posing as a subway official with the logo scratched in shaky marker on a baseball cap.

I finally understood the attraction to aging rock stars. They...

Tue, 11 Jan 2011 02:38:50 +0100

I finally understood the attraction to aging rock stars. They were living the dream. She was tipsy and radiant, and he was calm and British. Teeth don’t matter when you have love and build a life. They have a Volvo and need to throw out the pumpkins.

Can I have a coffee with cream? What kind of cream? What? What...

Tue, 11 Jan 2011 02:37:35 +0100

Can I have a coffee with cream?
What kind of cream?
What?
What kind of cream do you want?
Uh, the kind I’ve been getting my whole life.
I wish I’d known you your whole life.

I hope your morning feels less like lead. Tell me everything,...

Tue, 11 Jan 2011 02:35:39 +0100

I hope your morning feels less like lead. Tell me everything, forever, about anything. I’m here to absorb everyone’s secrets and let them weigh me down like a pile of discarded bricks in the junkyard. Maybe someone will make me into a driveway someday.

All hail: paychecks, clean sheets, vegetables, climbing trees,...

Tue, 11 Jan 2011 02:33:52 +0100

All hail: paychecks, clean sheets, vegetables, climbing trees, media-worthy love, bookshelves, dancing, cow huggers, tea pots, writing, difference

There was a man air-brushing a shirt with a cursive word and...

Tue, 11 Jan 2011 02:29:15 +0100

There was a man air-brushing a shirt with a cursive word and pink starburst behind it. The word was “LIAR.” This really happened. Just now.

We stayed up late talking about hiking. My plan: Grand Canyon....

Tue, 11 Jan 2011 02:27:29 +0100

We stayed up late talking about hiking. My plan: Grand Canyon. He’s already done parts of Appalachia. Watch out for bears and guys who wear kilts because he sat down and found out what they wear under those. Then the mosquitoes came out and he put on some pants.